woensdag 12 februari 2014

Adventures vs. safety

When I grew up in my hometown I never really appreciated the place. It was small, not close to any cities or activities and, most of all, it seemed to be filled with people who where all very different from me. I never could find any connection and the arrogant teenager I was, I tended to call them simple minded. Now I can see they just have a different mindset than me. Anyway, for most of my teenage years I almost counted the days until graduation. I felt almost locked up in this town where I couldn't be myself and I had big plans. Whereas most of my peers wouldn't dare to think about leaving their trusty hometown, I couldn't wait to move, as far away as I could. I dreamt of a tourism study in the other side of the country, going to internships in foreign countries and ultimately moving to a new country. I wasn't just feeling out of place in my town, I was done with the entire Dutch culture all together!

Ironically, almost the opposite happened. I fell in love in the last months of my last year. I changed my plans and moved to a small city, relatively close to my hometown. In the first year of living there with my -now ex- boyfriend, the person I was with the big plans was no where to be seen. I opted for safety. I started to see my former dreams as just a teenage phase and enjoyed living in a safe bubble.

Recently, I feel that urge for travelling in the same strength again as I used to. It is like finding an old piece of clothing (clothes just have a very sentimental value to me okey!) and remembering  why you used to love it so much. You might start wearing it again, maybe not exactly in the way you would've before but you adapt it to your new style. I feel like I've found that passion again, but the dreams are adapting to the person I am now. For example: Where I used to dream of moving to basically anywhere, I realize now that I should stick to Europe so I am close to my family. Instead of seeing everything black and white, going or not going, I'm starting to mix my sense of adventures together with my longing for safety. It will be an ongoing internal conflict, but hey, I'm basically made of those ;)

maandag 10 februari 2014


I have been postponing my first blog post for a while. First I thought it had to be because I'm new, unsure what to write, and so on. After thinking about it for awhile - an action I tend to do a lot - I figured it out. The ugly truth is: I am a Perfectionist with a capital P.

per·fec·tion·ism  (pər-fĕk′shə-nĭz′əm)1. A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.
2. A belief in certain religions that moral or spiritual perfection can be achieved before the soul has passed into the afterlife.

There it is. The first one at least. I have the need to execute everything in perfection. After the initial shock -Who, me? A perfectionist? One of these uptight compulsive freaks? - I let the word sink in. I realized how much of my daily life is being influenced by my need to have everything in order.

A few of the things I caught myself doing
1. Hanging the laundry precisely with the seams on the side, not an inch beside it.
2. Therefor: not appreciating when my roomie hangs up my laundry because she doesn't do it like I do.
3. I cannot study or actually do anything productive when it is messy in the living room/ kitchen or my bedroom. I feel so unease.
4. I love when people announce when they will visit me so I can tidy the whole place.
5. If my outfit isn't perfectly colour matching or not right I will change it no matter how late I already am - which usually leads to confused looks from my boyfriend.
6. When I make grammar mistakes I always correct them - even if I'm drunk...
7. I can spend hours picking a nice font, lay-out and colour for a report or a presentation.
8. I even enjoy re-folding my clothes so it looks pretty in my wardrobe again.
9. If my home decorations are a few inches moved by my cat Lily I put them back.
10. I could go on for hours, but you would start to hate me after one post. Last but not least: I have put off posting anything on this blog because the lay-out is not how I wish to see it yet. There it is!

Do you recognize yourself in any of my bad habits? Or do you have any compulsive habits of your own that sound a awfully lot like perfectionism?